The word “toxic” has been making its way more and more into the American lexicon within the past several years, and no, it’s not because Britney Spears’ song of the same name has hit the Top 40 list once again. “Toxic positivity” and “toxic partners” are commonly heard phrases nowadays, and now, you can add “toxic friends” to the list as well. In fact, Mental Health America reports that 84 percent of women and 75 percent of men have had toxic friends at some point in their lives.
But what are the signs that you may be connected with a toxic friend? How is this friend affecting your life? And how can you cut ties in a way that’s beneficial to both of you?
How Can a Toxic Friend Impact Your Life?
“There are many ways in which a friend may be toxic and so there are many ways in which this could impact an individual,” says Mollie Spiesman, LCSW, a psychotherapist in private practice. “The main impact could be low self-esteem, self-doubt, decreased boundaries and self-care, increased stress and anxiety overall and it could ultimately lead to interfering with other friendships.”
Rachel Fleischman, LCSW, licensed psychotherapist and founder of Bliss Counseling, lists some warning signs that you may be friends with a toxic person. These negative effects can include:
- You absolutely dread checking your phone.
- You are anxious and embarrassed by your toxic friend.
- You are sure they are talking behind your back, and you talk behind their back, too.
- Their advice lacks empathy and feels one-sided, not attuned to you and unrealistic.
- You feel drained and/or anxious in their company.
- You doubt your friend's intentions and feel let down by them, again and again.
- It feels like you help your friend without getting anything in return.
- Healthy competition is totally normal, but constant competition is a sign that something is off.
- You feel the need to defend their bad behavior.
Related: 25 Red Flags That Signify a Toxic Relationship, According to Psychotherapists
Why Do We Continue These Toxic Friendships?
If these signs are all ringing a bell and the thought of spending one more minute with this person is unbearable, then they likely fall into the toxic friendship category. If you know that this person isn’t great to have in your life, why might you continue this friendship?
“People continue toxic friendships for many reasons, but I would say the biggest is that sometimes it just feels easier,” Spiesman says. “It's the same as with anything else that doesn't feel good, but the alternative seems like more work. It could also be out of convenience or dynamics in a friend group.”
Fleischman says that it’s common to hold onto a draining and painful friendship instead of establishing firm boundaries, especially if you find boundary-setting and confrontation difficult.
She says, “We imagine utter discomfort and pain, perhaps even punishment, as a result of altering the dynamic. This can easily outweigh the prospect of freeing ourselves from a confusing and miserable connection.”
If you sense that one or more of your friends is toxic, see if they fit any of the following descriptions—then find out how to effectively cut this person from your life.
8 Types of Toxic Friends, According to Psychotherapists
1. The Extra-Needy Friend
Fleischman says that extra-needy friends should be cut out of one’s life if you are constantly giving and giving to them, and they often do not reciprocate. “It is a total energy suck and mentally taxing,” she adds.
2. The “Negative Nancy” Friend
Do you have a friend who you might describe as a “Negative Nancy”? Fleischman says that every time that you’re around this person, or simply via text or social media, you might experience a negative effect on your outlook on certain circumstances.
“Oftentimes, their negativity will rub off on you without you being aware,” she says. “This can become a dangerous cycle.”
3. The Friend Who Belittles You
Sarcastic remarks at your expense. Saying less-than-glowing things about you in front of others. And when confronted, you’re met with, “I’m just joking!” This is how things might go with the friend who constantly puts you down. Spiesman says that this is the friend who always belittles you and undermines your self-esteem.
4. The Gossiping Friend
“A friend who is constantly babbling and gossiping to you about someone else certainly will talk behind your back as well,” Fleischman cautions. “While this might seem harmless, it is something to be aware of, and you do not want to get caught up with this type of friend.”
Spiesman also says that this type of friend thrives on “conflicts, drama and chaos.”
Related: 15 of the Best Friendship Apps, Because We All Know Making Friends as an Adult Is Hard
5. The Inconsiderate Friend
Simply put, Fleischman says that a friend who is inconsiderate of others’ feelings and lacks sympathy is not someone you should keep around.
“Feeling compassionate and caring toward others is a quality we should all possess,” she says. “Being able to assess another individual and consider their feelings and points of view is important.”
6. The Jealous Friend
Does your friend seem to turn green with envy anytime you share something positive that’s happened in your life? A jealous friend is oftentimes a toxic one, or as Spiesman describes it, “the one who is always making you feel like your achievements don't count.”
7. The Friend Who Plays the Victim
Fleischman explains, “A friend who plays the victim in every situation is not capable of finding calm and happiness, and will not be able to offer you what you need in a friendship in terms of support and clarity.”
8. The Hostile Friend
It’s really no fun to be around someone who is hostile 24/7, making for a totally toxic friendship.
“A hostile friend is someone who constantly pushes back on anything you say, and is not open to being happy for others,” Fleischman says. “Oftentimes, this type of friend is insecure. While you might feel like you should be there for them, over time, the constant pushback will become exhausting, and it is not something you need in your life.”
How To Cut Ties With a Toxic Friend
At the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you and look out for your well-being and mental health. This toxic friend clearly could use additional support, whether it’s through therapy or a helpful partner or a support group. That’s not for you to decide for them, of course. This is their journey. But it’s important to understand that if you feel awful around this person, you likely won’t be the support that they need.
Although it might be hard, Spiesman recommends starting with an open and honest discussion.
“If it feels appropriate and safe, I always recommend talking to someone first,” she says. “See if you can verbalize how the relationship makes you feel and if there is a way to continue the relationship in a non-toxic way.”
But let’s say that your friend isn’t open to this. In this case, Spiesman says that you can plainly state that you can no longer continue being friends since it's having a negative impact on you, and you can also get into specifics if you'd like.
“If they are part of a big friend group, I would suggest not having one-on-one plans with them and making sure that you feel supported and safe with your other friends if they are going to be around,” she advises.
If a friendship can’t be improved, Fleischman recommends unfollowing, unsubscribing and unfriending this person on all platforms. “Every single one,” she says, adding, “Cease all communication with them as well and gently accept that you can't change them—and trust that you will be able to move on.”
All of this comes from a place of respecting your own needs and letting go of any guilt you may be experiencing.
“By following these steps, you'll find peace and improve your mental health, reducing the chances of encountering toxic individuals in the future,” Fleischman says.
After you have cut the toxic person from your life, Spiesman says that you’ll probably feel “a lot of relief” and “a release of tension that you may not have even realized you were holding onto.”
She goes on to say, “Your self-esteem and confidence will also increase as a result of ending a toxic friendship. You may feel more empowered to make decisions for yourself and set healthier boundaries with others. You deserve to be surrounded by friends who support and respect you and contribute to the life you want to live.”
Next up, discover 102 ways to make new friends as an adult.
Sources
- Mollie Spiesman, LCSW, a psychotherapist in private practice.
- Rachel Fleischman, LCSW, licensed psychotherapist and founder of Bliss Counseling.
- Mental Health America: “Eliminating Toxic Influences”
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